Bullying Vs. Conflict

BULLYING VS CONFLICT:

How to Introduce the Topic to Kids

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INTRO

If you are a teacher then I really don't have to let you in on a secret that the word bullying has become overused. Two friends disagree about who's turn it is in a game? BULLYING! Someone accidentally knocked into a kid in the hall? BULLYING! One kid is being a ball-hog during recess? "Jimmy looked at me funny!" BULLYING!

The problem here is that although the word bullying is being overused, actual bullying itself is very real, and very present. We need to teach kids to stop over-labeling things as bullying so it doesn't create a "Boy Who Cried Wolf" effect where we tire of hearing it and miss actual instances of bullying.

That was my motive for creating this lesson- not to minimize bullying, but maximize our efforts to combat real bullying by getting rid of the distractions.

HOW TO TEACH

1) Why it's important to understand the difference between normal conflict and bullying.

I start by explaining that not every mean thing is bullying and it's important to know the difference. Why? Because although most normal conflict can be resolved without outside help, addressing bullying always requires the efforts of multiple people. The person being bullying, the person bullying, adults, and bystanders all play parts of ending bullying. That's why it's important to recognize when actual bullying is happening.

2) Start by defining what IS bullying with a specific definition.

One reason it's so hard to teach about bullying is because it's so hard to define. I spent months avoiding creating this lesson because I just couldn't figure out how to take something so abstract and put it into concrete terms. What exactly is bullying? I know it when I see it, but that's not helpful to teach kids. I needed something specific that a kid could understand. I combined several definitions I found and settled on this:

Bullying is when someone purposely hurts someone else, over and over, and the person being bullied feels scared or powerless, like there’s nothing they can do to stop it.

Bullying always, always comes with an imbalance of power. If both parties have equal power, bullying isn't the right word to define the conflict. I use an animation with a scale to help students visualize what that imbalance of power looks like, and give several examples of how that might look. Kids often picture a bully being bigger just in physical strength, so we go over some other ways there might be an imbalance of power.

The person bullying might be older.

They might be more confident and know how to use that to scare or intimidate someone else.

They might have more friends that they know will join in on the bullying.

They might have information they can use to hurt or embarrass the other person.

In short, they have more power, and they use that power to hurt someone else.

It's a good idea to review the parts until the kids know them by heart. Try having them put the parts in order, or throw in some other similar words and have them pick the right one, like below.

3) Review types of bullying: physical, verbal, social, and cyber.

It's a good idea to review the parts until the kids know them by heart. Try having them put the parts in order, or throw in some other similar words and have them pick the right one, like below. I go over each one with definition and some examples. Here are the definitions I use:

Physical bullying is when someone hurts someone else's body. Examples: hitting someone, pulling someone's hair, pushing someone down.

Verbal bullying is when someone uses words to hurt someone else. Examples: threatening something, making fun of how someone looks or acts, calling someone names.

Social bullying is when a person tries to get everyone to turn against someone else or to not like them. Someone who uses social bullying usually has many friends that will join in. Examples: spreading rumors about someone, embarrassing someone in front of others, telling other people not to talk or play with someone else.

Cyber bullying is when someone uses the internet or text messages to hurt someone else. Someone who cyber bullies someone else might send them mean messages constantly, and the person being bullied might not even know who is sending them or how to stop them. They might still feel bullied or unsafe even when they are at home.

4) Discuss what ISN'T bullying: Mean moments, arguments, unfair situations.

After defining bullying specifically, it's good to define what ISN'T bullying with specifics. We talk about three kinds of situations that generally aren't bullying, and then compare the moments with the definition for bullying so it becomes more concrete.

We talk about how normal arguments between people usually aren't bullying, unfair situations like someone eating the last cookie isn't usually bullying, and mean moments like someone getting mad they didn't win a game usually isn't bullying. Here's how I explain it:

5) Review bullying vs. not bullying with kid-relevant scenarios.

After I finish by going over some relevant examples to kids that feature both bullying and not bullying scenarios. We then go over why it is or isn't bullying based on the definition.

Try showing each of the non-bullying examples, one for unfair situation, one for mean moments, one for a normal argument, and the mix in some real bullying scenarios. Some ideas are, a child who is a ball hog (unfair situation), a boy who gets mad and pushes someone down when he blocks his goal (mean moment) and two friends who can't agree on what to play (normal argument). Make sure to give enough details to help them realize these are not bullying scenarios, such as specifying that both friends in the argument feel equal, or that the child who kicked someone doesn't target people.

For the actual bullying examples, make sure to show the imbalance of power and how it makes the child being bullied feel.

KEEP IN MIND...

Try to avoid labeling someone as a "bully" or a "victim." It helps to instead refer to them as person being bullied and person bullying.
Emphasize to the kids that if they aren't sure if someone is bullying, try to listen to how to makes them feel. If they feel overwhelmed, like they can't solve it on their own, or unsafe, these are signs it might be bullying even if it doesn't quite fit the definition.
Although I use "over and over" as part of the definition it is possible for one instance to be considered bullying depending on the intention and how it made the child being bullied feel. Explain this to the kids at the end, and remind them to listen to how it makes them feel.
Also remind them that it's okay to ask a teach for help even if it's not bullying.
When a child calls something bullying that isn't, explain to them why that can lead people to dismiss real bullying.

Let me know if you use any of these tips to help you teach about the difference between bullying and conflict. I'd love to hear how it went!

Thanks,

Eve

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