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No-prep interactive lessons on social, emotional, and mental health for teachers & parents
Guilt vs Shame
Teach Teens How to Recognize Unhealthy Emotions
INTRO
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Guilt and shame are two very different things that can get so intertwined we don't realize the difference. Guilt certainly doesn't feel comfortable, but it is actually a healthy and helpful emotion that helps us stay on track with our values. However, it can too easily transform into unhealthy shame, where instead of recognizing something wrong in our behavior, we start believing there is something wrong with us. Shame is tied to a sense of needing to earn your worth and a false belief that beating yourself up will help you improve. In this lesson, I outline some ways to approach this topic with teens in a way that will click with them.
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HOW TO TEACH
1) The purpose of guilt
We all have personal values that are important to us. When we step out of line with these values, guilt can be a healthy emotion that alerts us and helps us realign.
2) When guilt goes rogue
However, because or brains aren't perfect, guilt can grow unhealthy. Instead of helping you improve, it keeps you stuck.
3) Healthy vs unhealthy guilt & shame
4) The shame myth
We often think that shaming ourselves is a good way to change and become better. This might include beating yourself up, demanding perfection, not allowing room for any mistakes, and comparing yourself to others. It can feel like it's noble and that we're doing our duty if we're really hard on ourselves. But actually, shaming yourself makes you less likely to change.
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Healthy guilt is a path forward. It leads to improvement.
Shame is a cycle. It goes in circles. Shame makes people feel terrible, and often to deal with those painful feelings people will turn to a bad habit to soothe and numb themselves. Then they shame themselves again for turning to the bad habit, and the cycle starts all over again. An example would be overeating. Someone might overeat, then shame themselves for doing so. This makes them feel terrible, and so they turn to food to soothe the painful feelings, which in turn leads to them shaming themselves again.
5) Why are some people prone to shame?
People who are prone to shame often share the belief that they must earn their worth. They believe that a human's worth can go up and down by things like being successful, doing things perfectly, or whether people like them. In a way, they believe some humans matter more than others. This belief is harmful because you will spend your life trying to prove you matter by earning people’s approval and by needing to be above other people. You will always be scared of your worth going down.
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Because it’s impossible to be perfect, people who feel shame from not being good enough will often hide their imperfections, shift blame, or numb their emotions.
6) How do we become resilient to shame?
If we want to experience less shame, we need to change our beliefs and our reactions to guilt.
CHANGE BELIEFS:
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Remember, if you believe you have to earn you worth, you will often feel shame for not being perfect. To really overcome shame, you must believe that all human beings are born with worth, and it can’t be changed or lost. You must learn to believe you already matter as you are, despite your imperfections.
This can be a really difficult belief to change. It’s especially hard to change if you believe in another common myth. This is the myth that if you accept yourself as you are with imperfections, you will never be motivated to change. Strangely, the opposite is true. When you accept yourself and aren’t weighed down by shame, it makes it easier to improve. Not accepting yourself throws you in the shame cycle. Accepting that you matter, even with imperfections, puts you on a healthy path to improving.
CHANGE REACTIONS
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1st: Feel the emotion
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We also need to change how we respond to feelings of guilt. Guilt is not fun to feel, and most people have a strong habit of wanting to get away from, avoid, or numb painful feelings. But emotions are meant to be felt and expressed and they don't go away when we avoid them. They keep growing.
When you first feel guilt, take a mindfulness approach and let yourself feel the emotions and let it settle or pass naturally on its own. Then you'll be in a good head space to take a closer look at what the guilt is telling you and whether it is healthy or not.
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2nd: Analyze the guilt: Healthy or unhealthy?
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Asking yourself these questions can help you decide whether guilt is healthy or unhealthy:
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Did I do something against my values?
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Was this in my control?
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Does the size of my guilt match the size of the behavior?
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Am I shaming myself instead of focusing on the behavior?
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Am I expecting perfection?
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If it is healthy guilt, then find what value you aren’t in line with and work to realign yourself. If you find it is unhealthy guilt or shame, then focus on working to change your underlying belief, or talk to someone to work through these unhealthy feelings. If you have a history of shaming yourself, this is going to be the automatic route you take. It takes time and patience to build up a healthier path, and often working with a professional can help you create these healthier paths.
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KEEP IN MIND...
People who have experienced trauma or abuse will often feel guilt and responsibility for things out of their control. It's especially important in these cases to work with a professional who can help you recognize these unhealthy feelings and build healthier ways of thinking and relating to guilt.
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If you try out this outline for a lesson, please let me know in the comments or with a message. I'd love to hear how it went!
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Eve Coates
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