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No-prep interactive lessons on social, emotional, and mental health for teachers & parents
BEING PROACTIVE
How to Introduce the Topic to Kids
INTRO
The idea of being proactive can get so muddled with kids. Often, I find, kids think it just means "to be good" which is just vague enough for them to never actually implement anything new after learning about it. As with any idea, the more concrete you get, the more visuals you use, the better. Here's how I approach this topic.
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HOW TO TEACH
1) Being proactive means you find the things you can control and you take responsibility for them.
I talk about how many things in your life aren't in your control, but being proactive means taking control of what you can.
2) Explain definition of proactive and reactive.
"Pro" means "before." "active" means "doing something." A proactive person takes control BEFORE things take control of them.
A reactive person waits for things to happen to them, and then they react. They usually feel sorry for themselves and complain. A good visual is to show a reactive person complaining about being in the rain and wishing something had warned them, versus a proactive person checking what the weather will be beforehand and bringing an umbrella.
I like to compare the two ways of viewing the world to wearing proactive and reactive glasses. The same situation can look different depending on what glasses you are wearing.
The glasses example works as a good metaphor for how we can slip into proactivity or reactivity in different situations, rather than it just being a black and white you're either a "proactive person" vs "reactive person." We can be both depending on the day, and what glasses we choose to wear.
It's good to review the differences between proactivity and reactivity with examples kids can relate to. Here are some examples I use:
People with proactive glasses choose their actions and attitudes.
People with reactive glasses let others choose how they feel or act.
People with proactive glasses take charge and fix a problem when they see it.
People with reactive glasses wait for others to fix problems (and usually complain until someone does!)
People with proactive glasses admit when they have made a mistake or are wrong.
People with reactive glasses blame their mistakes on others. (It's not my fault I didn't bring my homework. My mom didn't put it in my backpack!)
People with proactive glasses focus on what they can control.
People with reactive glasses focus on what they can't control and feel sorry for themselves. (Life is unfair. I have no control over how I respond to it.)
3) Taking on more responsibility gives you more freedom.
Being reactive can sound a lot more appealing than being proactive. Less responsibility! More freedom! But that's based on the false idea that you'll have more freedom by giving up your responsibilities to others, like waiting for others to fix your problems.
Actually, being proactive and taking more responsibility gives you more freedom, not less.
When you take less responsibility for your choices and life, you are shrinking your world and your freedom. Other people and outside circumstances can now decide how you feel, whether you're happy, how your life goes. It's not freedom, it's prison.
4) Practice determining what is and isn't in your control
I go through common scenarios kids face and have them decide what is and isn't in their control. For instance, if they find a book in their room that is overdue at the library, is it in their control to drive themselves to the library? No, they can't drive. But what can they do to be proactive in this situation? Have them brainstorm ideas, then do a few more examples.
Some ideas:
You want to win the school art contest. What is in your control- winning the contest, or putting in effort?
Someone says something mean to you at recess and you want to say something mean back. What is in your control- what others say, or what you say?
You hate taking tests and wish school would just stop giving them. What's in your control- whether or not you take the test, or whether or not you study?
Focusing on what kids can control is a very empowering concept. Being proactive means finding those things in your circle and making the most of it.
5) Dispel the proactive myths!
After teaching this concept for a while, I've come across some very common misunderstandings students (and adults!) have about being proactive and what it really means. Here are the common ones I've found.
MYTH #1: Being proactive means I can choose to never feel bad.
Sometimes we can get it into our heads that being proactive means you can choose how you feel, and that means you can choose to always feel good.
You can choose your attitude. You can choose how you respond to things. But you cannot completely control how you feel, and in fact, feeling good all the time isn't even healthy. We need negative emotions, we need to feel sad and bad sometimes. People and circumstances will still affect you even if you are proactive.
What being proactive means is you can choose to act better than you feel. You don't have to let those emotions control you and dominate your life. You always get some say in how you act.
MYTH #2: Being proactive means you don't need other people.
Sometimes we think that being proactive means you never rely on others- you take complete control of your life. You might feel if you need help you aren't being responsible. But actually, asking for help can be a very PROACTIVE choice. Proactive means doing something, and you are doing something by asking for help when you don't know how to solve a problem or it becomes too big to manage.
It's so important to emphasize this to kids. I like to use an example of a girl getting bullied who thinks it wouldn't be proactive to ask for help and she should deal with it on her own. I then explain it's very proactive to ask for help when you are out of ideas- and bullying is something that require more than one person to solve it.
MYTH #3: Being proactive means being in charge of everyone else.
Some students will use this "proactive" idea as a way to take control of everyone else. "But I'm not tattling, I'm being proactive!"
Nice try, but being proactive means you are in charge of you, not the kid next to you. It also means you aren't required to take on other people's responsibilities that they might pawn off on you if they see you are willing to take on more responsibility than is healthy.
MYTH #4: I can treat people however I want and it’s their responsibility to be proactive and not let it affect them.
The last misconception I run into is the idea that since everyone is in charge of their attitude and managing their emotions, well then that means I can treat people however I want and if it affects them, they shouldn't be so reactive.
Actually, being proactive means you take responsibility for how your actions and words affect others. You have responsibility to treat others with respect and work to fix things if you hurt people. We are all still human, and no matter how proactive someone is, they can still be affected and hurt by other people's actions.
I end with review scenarios where kids determine whether someone is acting reactive or proactive. If they are acting reacting, we brainstorm how they could make a more proactive choice.
If you end up teaching this lesson with some of the tips I've given let me know. If you have any suggestions to make it better, I'd also love to hear from you!
Thanks,
Eve
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