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Self-Confidence Series

Part 1: Do Hard Things

INTRO

 

Many of the ways that we try to build self-confidence don't actually work, and sometimes they can even make things worse. And some ideas, like self-affirmations, are often most effective only when underlying confidence-lowering beliefs are addressed first.  This lesson teaches some of the actual, not-as-obvious, building-blocks of confidence.

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HOW TO TEACH

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Intro: Salt-Water Ideas

I like to start with a story about a girl who is lost at sea and starts to become thirsty. When she sees all the water around her, the answer seems obvious! She grabs an empty bottle, fills it up with salt water, and drinks it. I then ask the students, will that help her thirst? No, in fact, it will make the problem worse. 

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Many of the ideas we have to build self-confidence are salt-water ideas. They seem like they'll do the trick, but ultimately lower our self-esteem. 

1) Focus on Goals That Are in Your Control

Sometimes we think having natural talent will make us feel good about ourselves. Or we might think an outward achievement would make us feel confident. But tying your confidence to natural talent or outward achievements can sometimes be like drinking salt water. It might boost your confidence for a minute, but ultimately doesn't solve the problem.

Why? Because we’re tying our self-esteem to things that aren’t in our control. Confidence grows when we focus on what is in our control. 

Child not feeling confident
Child feeling confident.

It's helpful to try to make goals that connect with things in your control, such as making a goal to study x amount of minutes a night, rather than making a goal to get 100% on the test. Try giving a scenario to your child or students and have the pick out which goal is in their control such as:

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Cole is playing a basketball game tonight. Which of these is most in his control?

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  1. Never missing a shot

  2. Trying again after failing

  3. Scoring the most

2) Do Hard Things: We're Wired to Want to Progress

Sometimes we avoid doing hard things because we think failing will lower our confidence, but this is also a salt-water idea. In fact, doing hard things is one of the building blocks of confidence. We are all born with a natural desire to PROGRESS! If you only do things you’re already good at, it will lower your confidence because there is always something in us that knows we can grow more.

baby crawling and learning to walk.png

To illustrate how doing hard things raises confidence, I give this scenario:

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Question: Mr. Tanaka did a challenging bonus problem for his math class each Friday and the students who answered correctly got an award. Three students got it this week. Anya was naturally talented at math and got the problem right even without any studying. Matt had no idea how to solve the problem, but made a random guess and got it right. Kate pushed herself and studied every night, and finally after weeks of effort she got the bonus problem right. Even though they all got the same award, whose confidence do you think stayed the highest afterward?

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Answer: Anya and Matt liked that people saw they got an award, but they didn’t actually put in effort, so their confidence boost didn’t last. Kate’s confidence boost lasted longer because she knew she had pushed herself to grow. Nothing can replace the confidence that comes from that.

three kids confidence levels.png

It's also fun to add a game or puzzle to help kids realize that hard things actually can be more fun. Try showing them a very easy puzzle, such as trying to find a hidden object when it's painfully obvious where it is, versus where they have to search a lot. Doing hard things can be more enjoyable than easy things.

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I leave them with a challenge: 

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Challenge: Start making a list of hard things you’ve done, so you can look back it when you’re feeling discouraged.

3) Watch out for These Pitfalls:

It's easy to fall for these two pitfalls while trying to challenge yourself to do hard things:

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  1. Believing that doing hard things will make your worth go up.

    1. Myth: I have to earn my worth. The more I push myself to grow, the more worth I have.​

    2. Truth: Your confidence and your worth are two different things! Your confidence might go up and down, but your worth always stays the same.

  2. Believing that you have to ALWAYS be pushing yourself to do hard things.

    1. Myth: I must always be working to push myself harder and never rest.​

    2. Truth: Part of building your confidence is learning when to rest & how to be kind to yourself. I talk more about how to do that in the next lessons!

SUMMARY:

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  • Our confidence doesn't actually grow from outward achievements or natural talent.

  • It grows when we focus on goals and progressing based on things in our control, such as effort, perseverance, and attitude.

  • We naturally want to progress. When you push yourself to do difficult things, your confidence raises in a way that can't be obtained any other way

  • Your confidence isn't tied to your worth. Your value is constant.

  • Learning to rest is part of growing your confidence.

One more thing...

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This is just the first in a 7 part series on growing confidence in non-intuitive ways- ways that actually get to the root of the problem and work. As I write more in the series, I'll link it below! 

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