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Overcome Victim Mentality

Teach Teens to Be Proactive

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INTRO

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Victim mentality is when you begin to view the world as though nothing is within your control. You see everything as happening to you, rather than you acting on things. This attitude can understandably develop after things like trauma or abuse where you had no control, but it can become a pervasive attitude where you focus only on what you can't control, and don't notice the things you can control. This can lead to not taking responsibility for your behavior, the consequences of your behavior, and the direction your life goes. Victim mentality is very limiting, but it's also very appealing. It's very easy to hold to the idea that you don't really have control over you life. After all, if you don't have any control, then you really don't have to work to fix anything in your life.

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This post outlines the way I teach teens how to overcome victim mentality and become more proactive. It goes over what being proactive vs. reactive means, why we are all prone to having a victim mentality at times, the difference between being a victim and developing a victim mentality, and some common myths about being proactive.

HOW TO TEACH

1) Proactive vs. Reactive Viewpoints
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I start by explaining there are many different ways to view the world. Two people looking at the same thing might view it differently based on what "glasses" they are wearing, or what viewpoint they have. A good idea is to use an ambigram that can be read two ways.

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Two contrasting ways of viewing the world are through a reactive or a proactive lens. 

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Proactive View:

  • You see yourself in the driver’s seat of your life, where you always get some say in how your life goes.

  • Recognize that while there are many things out of your control, you can focus on what is in your control.

  • Know that you are in control of your own actions, words, and attitudes.

  • Take responsibility for whatever you can in your lives.

  • Look for what you can do and ACT.

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Reactive View:

  • You see yourself in the passenger’s seat, with little control.

  • Believe that other people and circumstances completely control you.

  • Believe how they feel and act is decided by how others treat them or outside circumstances.

  • Wait for others to take action, and blame them when they don’t get what they want in life.

  • Focus on what they can’t do. They wait for things to happen to them and then REACT

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The reactive viewpoint can also be called a victim mentality because you begin to see yourself as a victim to everything in your life. Never the one acting, always the acted upon.

 

Most people are a mixed between proactive and reactive, and often switch between viewpoints. But the more you wear one set of glasses, the easier it is to wear it the next time. Soon, thinking either proactively or reactively can become such a reflexive habit you don't even realize there is another way to think. The older you get without addressing reactive habits, the harder it will be to change. Thankfully, our brains are quite elastic and even when we have a well-worn habit, with enough dedicated effort we can change our viewpoints.

2) Why do we often choose to be reactive?

People with proactive mindsets  generally are happier, have more freedom, and have more fulfilling lives than people with reactive mindsets.  Think of people you know who live in a very reactive way and tend to think they are always the victim and have little control over their lives. Are they happy? Do they live meaningful lives? Do you like to be around them?

 

It can be easy to see why being reactive isn't a good way to live when viewing others, yet, we often still slip into reactive mode at times anyway. There are are a few reasons this happens.

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#1- It's easier to be reactive.

Our brains like efficiency, and that doesn't always work in our favor. It tries to find the easiest path, and giving up responsibility to others is easy. With time, this can become a habit and the pathway gets stronger. Although it’s easier at first, taking a reactive path makes things harder in the long run.

#2- We can avoid dealing with things.

By being reactive, we can avoid dealing with difficult problems and painful emotions. If we embrace the idea that we have no control over our lives, we don’t have to work to fix or process things. We can just feel sorry for ourselves and complain instead.

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It's not fun to deal with problems. It's not fun to recognize our role in them. It's not fun to examine weaknesses or to have to push ourselves to do more than we're comfortable with in order to reach a goal. It might ease pain for a short time to take a reactive approach, but the more you avoid problems and pain, the bigger they grow. (Shhh...I need to tell you a secret...avoiding dealing with problems actually doesn't make them go away.)

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#3 A false belief that you will have more freedom with less responsibility.

It might sound logical that having less responsibility will give you more freedom, but that's not true when you willingly avoid taking responsibility for things that should be yours. But actually, being reactive gives you less freedom. If you give up responsibility, then other people get to control things like your happiness and the direction your life goes. You can't have much control in your life if you aren't willing to accept responsibility. 

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For example, if you are unwilling to learn tools to manage your own emotions and instead put that responsibility on others, then you get little say over how you feel. It's then up to other people how you feel and whether your emotions get managed or dealt with.

#4 You learned how to be reactive by example.

If you grew up in an environment where influential people in your life lived with a very reactive viewpoint, you might adopt this view as well. It can be difficult to recognize there is another way to view things if you were enveloped only in a reactive viewpoint growing up. However, this doesn't mean you can't learn to adopt a proactive viewpoint yourself and break the chain.

#5 You have been a victim of trauma or abuse in the past.

This is an especially tricky one. When you have experienced abuse or trauma, it is common to feel a loss of control and to feel powerless. It is also normal and even healthy to feel sorry yourself at times. But this can develop into an unhealthy victim mentality (which is different than being a victim) where you are unable to see the things in your life you do have control over. This can lead to even more suffering and problems than the initial abuse, trauma, or discrimination caused. It limits your ability to heal.

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Learning to be proactive and shed a victim mentality is a way to overcome and gain victory over circumstances and abusers. It will help you keep as much power in your own life as you can while still acknowledging how things and people have affected you.

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Here are some key phrases you might say or think to help you recognize a victim mentality in yourself:

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"Everyone mistreats me."

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"It's not my fault."

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"I had no choice."

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"My life is unfair."

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"Someone should fix this."

 

They MADE me do/feel/say that."

 

The overall attitude of someone with a victim mentality is feeling that they are mistreated and misunderstood. Overcoming a victim mentality isn’t denying that people can mistreat you. People can mistreat you. You can and will be misunderstood. Overcoming a victim mentality is about recognizing this, but still taking full control of what you can.

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3) How to overcome victim mentality

So, how do overcome a victim mentality and become more proactive?

#1 Learn to recognize what is in your control 

We sometimes focus only on the things we can’t control. We might use this as an excuse to not take action. It helps to practice shifting your brain to always look for what you can do instead. I do several scenarios where students try to determine what is and isn't in someone's control. Just because the easiest path isn't available, doesn't mean other ways of reaching a goal aren't within your reach. 

#2 Change your reactive language

The words you think and say matter. Just by changing the language you use, you can become more proactive. When you catch yourself using reactive language like, “I have no choice” try to replace it with something more realistic. I have the students go through some examples of reactive language and change it to proactive language.

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For example:

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"I wish someone would fix this" becomes "I will take action to fix this"

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"I had no choice " becomes "I always have some choice."

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"They made me act that way" becomes "What they do affects me, but I can control how I act."

#3 Take ownership over your wants and needs

Sometimes we expect other people to guess what we want and need and then provide it for us. We might pout or complain when we don’t get what we want, even though we didn’t express our desires or do anything to make it happen. Practice expressing what you want and need instead of putting that responsibility on others. You really can't get what you want in life if you aren't willing to take appropriate responsibility in your life.

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4) Proactive Myths

As with every good idea, being proactive comes with many misunderstandings and myths.  If you have time, it's great to dispel some of these.

Myth #1- Being proactive means never asking for help

Being proactive doesn’t  mean you should do everything on your own and never ask for help. In fact, it can be a very proactive choice to ask for help. Asking for help is different than not taking responsibility. Proactive means “doing something.” You are doing something by asking for help if you don’t know how to solve a problem.

Myth #2- Being proactive means I need to take over others' responsibility

Being proactive doesn’t  mean you take over other people’s responsibilities or make sure everyone is doing what they should. Being proactive is about keeping responsibility where it belongs, and other people need to be allowed to keep responsibility for their lives too. If you take over responsibility for others, it can lead to resentment, and it can also keep people from learning and growing themselves.

Myth #3- Being proactive means I won't be negatively affected by anything

Being proactive and choosing how to react doesn’t mean you will magically not be affected by other people or that you can choose to always feel good and happy. It does mean you always have a choice in your attitude and how you respond to things that happen to you. In fact, you’re not supposed to feel good all the time. It’s not healthy to never feel sad. But you can choose to act better than you are feeling.

Myth #3- Being proactive people can choose to never be a victim

Some people believe victims choose to be victims and that they should fix their own problems. But remember, being a victim and victim mentality are two different things. You can choose not to have a victim mentality. But you often can’t choose whether you are a victim to something like trauma, abuse, or discrimination. Victims of abuse are never responsible for what happened to them.

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I hope these tips helps you when teaching this important lesson to your own kids, your own students, or yourself.

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Thanks!

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Eve

Short on time? Need to teach this now?

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